Bird Poop!!!

Mostly Humorous.


Girls if your man has proposed to you, you love him, he's the coolest creature on the planet, you even love the unpleasant odor his pits emit, and you ignore how the smell of his last week football game socks that he's still been wearing since could kill your favourite cat, and despite all those you still hesitate somewhat. Here's a lil advice for you. There are a few things you need to evaluate before you go yes or no. And yeah, don't worry... your mothers' right to have a second opinion included here. Sorry, but i have to leave out your grandmothers. I'll tell you why so keep reading. Okay here are points that you need to consider :

1. Your Father
Fathers are irresistably subjective when it comes to their daughters getting married. They're somewhat paranoid as they were once in your man's now position. They were once young and fond of how it feels like conquering a lot of women. They suspect of this boy here being what he was years ago. A friggin' womanizer. Yea take that, fathers!
So if you really like this man, first try to make him get along very well with your father. Ask him to have lunch with you and your father. Exaggerate the things that he and your father have in common. A liking for certain kinds of sport for example.
''Daddy he's a great football player you know. I bet he can tackle you easily...''.
Don't worry your father has lived long enough not to get offended by such remark.
And please.... I beg you... Please let the unknown place where you two shared your first passionate kiss and probably many other firsts occurred remain the greatest mystery on earth to your father. A fathers can't stand the idea of another man putting his hands on his daughter. That would completely ruin the whole lovely lunch.
See how your man carries himself under your father's nose for the first time. If he seems cool, it's a good sign. If he seems nervous, it's okay. It's the man who would pull his balls off if he hurt you for God's sake!!!
If he lets slip some unspeakable words, don't tread on his poor foot under the table, that would just make him look even more nervous. An alert father can see nervousness. And he doesn't like it.
The next lunches if they have started getting along really good, then have a word with your father. Does your father like him or not? If he does. Then ask yourself. Do you? If he doesn't. Ask yourself, do you?
If the first lunch doesn't go well, he gets too nervous he spills his drink on your father's favourite t-shirt, it's okay. Arrange another lunch. Maybe he'll go a bit easy on it this time. And still, no matter how close they've been to each other, no matter how many times they spend talking about each other's dirty little secret, no unspeakable word! No calling your father by his first name. They don't like it. Calling him by his surname, Mr.Watson for example, is a sign of respect.
And oh yeah don't worry about your man's disfigured features, if any. Mostly men don't care and don't pay attention to other men's looks. That doesn't interest them at all. So there will be no awful remarks on your poor man's terribly asymmetrical jawbones. Let alone his chin that could sink the Titanic.

2. Your Mother
Mothers are complicated. Raising children is undoubtedly the toughest job in the universe. They have so much to think about and do. They consider and observe everything even the tiny little detail you miss. You remember those days when you were a kid she asked you who had spilt milk on the carpet and no matter how hard you try to put on an i-don't-know kind of look on your face you always ended up being grounded for a week. Yes mother can smell.... No... Let me correct myself... Mother can sense lies. It's best you never lie to her about your boyfriend. So if your mother frowns at his pierced ear at first sight, don't worry. A good personality is the main focus here. Mothers are objective when it comes to their daughters' lovelife. Tell her all the things you like and dislike about him. Tell her everything! You can easily fool your father but not your mother. So if you do all these, you'll do good.
If men love what they see, then women love what they hear.
So yea no unspeakable words. And yea he can not lie to her either. A mother has the amazing ability to remember and bring up, in the future, all the lies her son-in-law told her. Oh man you don't want your mother-in-law to say it all in your face with your wife and kids around.
If your man sings well, ask him to sing your mother her favourite song. If his singing is worse than that of a whale, which of course you're aware of if you know him well, ask him to keep his mouth shut.
Unlike men, women do pay attention to men's features. c'mon we're getting tired of those 'perfect nose', 'beautiful eyes', 'sexy lips' remarks on us. So if your man's got some 'unusual' features, prepare yourself. One day, maybe when you and your mother are standing in line to pay for your purchases at the register in a department store on your girls shopping day, suddenly without a warning your mother tilts her head to the side to whisper to you ''Darling, his nose slants to the left a bit when he speaks, don't you think? Ever thought of having a little operation there? Well i'm just sayin'...''.
Oh and have I highlighted the greatest NO of all the barbarous things men shouldn't do???!!
Yes, Thou shalt not scratch thy balls before thy woman's mother!
Yea there's such a thing called ''WHAT YOUR MAN MUSN'T DO WITHIN THE VAST RANGE OF YOUR MOTHER'S SUPER EYESIGHT'' list. That's definite!

3. Your friends.
Definitely this point is one of the most difficult. Friends were, are, and will always be out there, wandering round like an army of ants, talking about you behind your back (in a good way good friends do). You can never avoid them. They're everywhere. Once in a while, ask your man to hang out with you and your friends. Observe how he and your friends behave towards one another.
If they welcome him well, then he's ready to embrace the chance of living with you, and occasionally with your friends.
Prepare yourself for the worst. Remember, people have the ability to recall things that are hilarious enough to be worth talking of until hell freezes over. So any unusual gesture he makes with his head or hands that you find cute might have the chance to be the next funniest thing they talk about and laugh at as soon as you leave. Not to mention the reason for midnight conference calls or texts among them that don't include you, for probably about a month.
It's quite accepted and normal if you tell him to be completely himself with you, but partly himself with your friends. He'll understand. You're the one he wants to share his shower with for the rest of his life, not your friends.
But just in case, if he does the magic gesture again when you're having dinner at your and your friends' favourite Chinese restaurant and suddenly your friends' eyes move gracefully to the involved part of his body, instead of looking totally humiliated, you just blurt out loud ''He's cute, isn't he?'' smiling innocently. That would instantly make the ceiling, the floor, and the view outside the window curiously look like they never looked good before.
Yes guilt always works in this case. Next time you ask him to dine with you and your friends again, things will change. Especially the appropriate things to stare at. Guaranteed.
And what if it's the opposite way around? It's your friends that make worth-laughing gestures and he can't help it but stare at their involved body parts for the rest of the night?
Tell him in advance all the good things that your friends have done to you.
''Jimmy sometimes curls his lips like a chimp funny to see i know but he's a good man. He once saved me from a bastard who was trying to abuse me''.
That would make him think twice before he laughs.
And oh yea, don't lie to your friends about anything about him. As soon as they find out the truth, It's either the midnight conference calls and texts will last even longer or they confront you about it.
Keep in mind that your new boyfriend is the most famous movie star to your friends for about one month until they've completely figured him out.
And oh yea, it's best you still remain yourself with your friends. They don't like it when you go ''Oh Jimmy doesn't like this. Oh Jimmy doesn't want me to do that. Oh Jimmy thinks it's not a good idea.''.
He's your boyfriend for God's sake. Don't make it sound like he's your father.
And then comes the complicated problem when you arrive at the restaurant where your friends are waiting and then one of them recognizes him as the one she used to go out with. Get a grip on yourself. She isn't doing the 'i never get jealous of my friends taking my used toys' look. She's your friend. It's possible she's as nervous as you are. If they haven't talked again since the break-up, act like a bridge to span the distance between them. If they behave cool towards one another.... Sigh... Again... Get a bloody grip on yourself!!! It's not like they're getting back together.

4. Yourself
Yes! You read that right. It's yourself that occupies most of the distance between yourself and the success of your lovelife. Meaning you must know what to and not to do completely. Being crazy in love people have a lot of tendencies to ignore their better judgments, logic, perspective, and etc and etc. C'mon... Love is strong yeah but love doesn't defy gravity, does it? Does love pay for your new honeymoon flat? Does love pay your bills? Ok in real life, let's say it LOVE CAN NOT MOVE MOUNTAIN!! Yea take that Celine Dion! Again... LOVE CAN NOT MOVE MOUNTAIN!! Again... LOVE CAN NOT MOVE MOUNTAIN!! Again... No. Stop now.
The 'love can move mountain' thing only happens in songs, poetries and poems with a goal to earn more money as people want to believe love is so strong it makes things easier and possible. But the truth is love is strong within its own limit of fragility. Let's examine the 'Rose Dewitt Bukater-Caledon Hockley' relationship from the blockbuster Titanic. Rose doesn't love him. We can't tell for sure whether Cal loves her or his image of her on the other hand. If he does, he will die for her, won't he?

Some friends of mine have asked me to include 'grandmother' on this list. They think grandmothers are the ones you turn to when neither parents nor friends can help you. But c'mon... They've lived too long enough they're pretty preoccupied. We don't want them to be unable to sleep at night thinking about your problems. But yea they usually seem pretty more supportive than parents do. They'd go ''You're young. Don't waste your time doing the things you're going to be regretting for the rest of your life.''.

And some even asked me to include pets as well. My answer is simply NO NO NO. They're cute yeah but they neither talk nor think. The complication of love is too complicated for them to understand. But well if they're well-trained, you could send your dog to your boyfriend's flat, bite his arse, if you ever catch him snog another girl.


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