LOL Emails!!!

I am not sure what we did before email, but I don't think reading unexpected letters was a lot of fun. I have a few correspondents who keep me entertained from their stream of funny emails. Those emails are not just Ha-Ha jokes, but a particular and rather peculiar variety which I find quite enjoyable.
Yesterday, my cousin sent me the results of a class test: 26 students, each of whom only six years old, were given half of a well-known proverb and asked to complete it. What they came up with is not just astonishing but rather clever and very funny. Here are a few of their results:-

• Strike while the bug is close.
• Never underestimate the power of termites.
• No news is impossible.
• Don’t bite the hand that looks dirty.
• A miss is as good as a Mr.
• The pen is mightier than the pigs.
• An idle mind is the best way to relax.
• Where there’s smoke there’s pollution.
• A penny saved is not much.
• Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.
• When the blind lead then get out of the way.
• If at first you don’t succeed, get new batteries.
• Two’s company, three’s the Musketeers.

And the winner of this strange amalgam of proverbs : Better late than pregnant!!!
There is another mail which I particularly liked, this one from an online friend of mine. What he has sent are quite intriguing questions. You have to think of the answers as you read the following selection:

• Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• Why does no one say ‘It’s only a game’, when their team is winning? 
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? (LOL What????!!!)
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 
• If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean the other one enjoys it? 
• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes? 
• Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours? 
• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 

And here too, my favourite : How important does a person have to be before he is considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 

Sure enough, we didn't had this sort of entertainment dose in the age of snail-mail!

Happiness!!! Go Share It!

I have been thinking of writing about this for over a month now, ever since I came to know about it, but well its here now.

On a sunny and rather hot morning of April, I was reading through MIT Blogs (which I do often) when I cam across this rather informative article. It was about something called Project Happy Memory. It's a fantastic thing (as I see it) created by Christina (I don't know her last name), a MIT alum.This website asks users to simply post their happiest memories on its page, so that it could be shared with everyone else who stumbles on that site.It an excellent way to share some smiles, which I am sure are needed everywhere.

Visit that site, read the memories of various personae there, and then, share your own. Its always good to spread smiles and happiness, ain't it? Well, as the header on Project Happy Memories' page proclaims :-

Happiness was born a twin; to have joy, one must share it.

Here I am sharing a memory which I particularly happened to like from that site. It's written by a guy called Jason, and is rather touching in it's own way. Here it goes :-

Summa Cum Laude
The day of my sister’s college graduation dawned warm and bright. My mood, though, was anything but: I was feeling, as is my wont, pretty down on myself, and I dreaded having to sit through a long ceremony. Then, at the entrance, we were handed our programs, and I saw something that melted my heart and made all the external pressures disappear for the day. As the ceremony progressed, it came time to give out special awards. Only one person in the graduating class was getting a degree summa cum laude. The head of the college gave a speech extolling the virtues and abilities of this person, and when my sister stepped up, grinning, to accept her medal, I looked at her favorite teachers and saw the pride and affection in their eyes. She had attended a small liberal arts school, and it was clear that everybody here knew her and loved her, that she would be truly missed. I had thought that being valedictorian of my high school class was a proud moment, but somehow watching my sister grow up and take the top spot — not just intellectually, but as someone heavily involved in campus life — was a thousand times better. My parents and I stood and clapped and cried, not caring if we looked foolish. When they handed out the diplomas, and every official and professor smiled hugely at Kait as they shook her hand, I looked down again at my program. There was a section at the end in which all of the honors students had been allowed to give recognition to one person who had inspired them, someone they looked up to. Most named celebrities, parents, grandparents. I had been feeling worthless, but that feeling dissipated as I read, next to my sister’s name, “Jason Pianiste: brother.”
Jason. Philadelphia, PA

The original MIT blog where I first read about all this can be found here.

The Twelve Ages!

Everybody is aware of the great play-wright William Shakespeare. Yeah, he was guy with a taste for literature. He wrote tons of stuff,  among which there is a poem (or rather a monologue) The Seven Ages, mentioned in As You Like It. It compares the world to a stage and life to a play, and catalogues the seven stages of a man's life: infant, schoolboy, lover, soldier, justice, pantaloon, and second childhood, "sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything". But hey, I think that instead of just explaining the stuff, he should have told us what exactly to do in those seven ages. Well that's what I am going to do now........

First thing first. I am not Shakespeare, so I am not going to divide the life into seven stages. I am doing something more practical, dividing it into twelve age groups, so that folks out here can easily identify themselves as a member of a specific group and follow the instructions. So behold, here are The Twelve Ages:-

Age 0 to 1 years - Get born. If you get stuck-your most likely going to become overweight in life. Be able to perform these simple steps: Eat, Sleep, Poop, Repeat!

Age 1-5 years - Learn the basics of humanity such as talking, walking, pooping in civilised places etc etc. Also learn basic human interaction skills and how to have a fit at the shopping mall in order to obtain certain candy or toys.

Age 5-10 years - Bum around. Don't really have to accomplish anything in life at this moment.

Age 10-15 years - Begin puberty and get growth spurts. If you began before this time, then good for you. Choose a class that is going to stick with you till you reach 20.  Eg. Hip-Hop, Basketball , Gaming, Book Club etc etc.

Age 15-20 years - Mature and learn the benefits of partying and ill-effects of hangover.

Age 20-25 years - More bumming around. Decide what you want to do in life but still stick to partying. 

Age 25-40 years - Get a real job instead of working at some fast food outlet. Also, find a true love (if you already have one then its excellent) and get married.

Age 40 - 50 years - Suffer mid life crisis. Keep a lookout for heart-diseases and diabetes.

Age 50 -70 years - Get old. If you are staying young, there is a problem and go see doctor. Start hating young people and begin using the phrase "back in my days". 

Age 70-80 years - Prepare to die or die. 

Age 80-100 years - Still not dead? 

100+ years - Crap, just sit there and rot slowly? Congratulations on making high score list. 

Being Street-Smart!

I read on the newspaper the other day about some guy who worked late and got robbed in a ghetto area of the town. The police then gave handy tips on how to stay safe on the streets like screaming and running etc,etc. Well I think the ideas are stupid as running away screaming like a girl (taken that you are a guy) would only make the assailant more pissed and want to kick your ass. So forget about police advice, follow my tips in beingstreet smart and you'd never have to worry about personnelsafety again.

Obviously, to avoid getting thugged, you must look and act like a thug and or gangster. Who's ever heard of terrorists blowing up other terrorists? Point proven. Looking like a thug takes a long time to perfect unless your a teenage kid who's been exposed to MTV all your life.

First and foremost is to change the way you talk. DO NOT USE correct grammar and proper English. Depending on what type of thug you want to portray, see example below:

General Thug

DO NOT SPEAK LIKE THIS: Can you please pass me all your monetary notes, and any other things of general value before I stab you with this sharp instrument I am holding. This is so I may finance the cash deficit my business is experiencing?

SPEAK LIKE THIS: Ya f%$# give me da money stuff before I skewer your ass.

Next is to make an appearance change. Ditch the business suite and/or designer brand clothes.

Instead, buy clothes 5 times your size. This is especially important if your a guy as baggy pants signify conventional pants cannot fit your "package". Try to acquire weapons such as knives or guns. If said weapons are too expensive for you, then water guns work just fine. One must also look shiny in order to blend in (this is known as bling). Wear as much shiny things as possible so when sunlight hits you, everyone within 5 metres becomes blind.

Acting is also very important in not getting mugged. When walking down the street, try to high five everyone. If your not of a ethnic minority, feel free to give racist tags to everyone around you because its fine-your a ghetto gangster now.

If however none of the above work and you are still getting mugged, dress like an Australian with accent and everything. Also carry a real huge knife. When your about to get mugged, pull out your knife and say "this is a real knife"

© HappyHoBo