The Things My Mother Taught Me!

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finishedcleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

 "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me REASON

 "Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident"

My mother taught me IRONY

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM

"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA

"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER

"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS

"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, wouldyou listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times--Don'texaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION

"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world whodon't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION

"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freezethat way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me TELEPATHY

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come runningto me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX

"How do you THINK you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS

"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite...My Mother taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR MAN PROPOSES TO YOU?

Girls if your man has proposed to you, you love him, he's the coolest creature on the planet, you even love the unpleasant odor his pits emit, and you ignore how the smell of his last week football game socks that he's still been wearing since could kill your favourite cat, and despite all those you still hesitate somewhat. Here's a lil advice for you. There are a few things you need to evaluate before you go yes or no. And yeah, don't worry... your mothers' right to have a second opinion included here. Sorry, but i have to leave out your grandmothers. I'll tell you why so keep reading. Okay here are points that you need to consider :

1. Your Father
Fathers are irresistably subjective when it comes to their daughters getting married. They're somewhat paranoid as they were once in your man's now position. They were once young and fond of how it feels like conquering a lot of women. They suspect of this boy here being what he was years ago. A friggin' womanizer. Yea take that, fathers!
So if you really like this man, first try to make him get along very well with your father. Ask him to have lunch with you and your father. Exaggerate the things that he and your father have in common. A liking for certain kinds of sport for example.
''Daddy he's a great football player you know. I bet he can tackle you easily...''.
Don't worry your father has lived long enough not to get offended by such remark.
And please.... I beg you... Please let the unknown place where you two shared your first passionate kiss and probably many other firsts occurred remain the greatest mystery on earth to your father. A fathers can't stand the idea of another man putting his hands on his daughter. That would completely ruin the whole lovely lunch.
See how your man carries himself under your father's nose for the first time. If he seems cool, it's a good sign. If he seems nervous, it's okay. It's the man who would pull his balls off if he hurt you for God's sake!!!
If he lets slip some unspeakable words, don't tread on his poor foot under the table, that would just make him look even more nervous. An alert father can see nervousness. And he doesn't like it.
The next lunches if they have started getting along really good, then have a word with your father. Does your father like him or not? If he does. Then ask yourself. Do you? If he doesn't. Ask yourself, do you?
If the first lunch doesn't go well, he gets too nervous he spills his drink on your father's favourite t-shirt, it's okay. Arrange another lunch. Maybe he'll go a bit easy on it this time. And still, no matter how close they've been to each other, no matter how many times they spend talking about each other's dirty little secret, no unspeakable word! No calling your father by his first name. They don't like it. Calling him by his surname, Mr.Watson for example, is a sign of respect.
And oh yeah don't worry about your man's disfigured features, if any. Mostly men don't care and don't pay attention to other men's looks. That doesn't interest them at all. So there will be no awful remarks on your poor man's terribly asymmetrical jawbones. Let alone his chin that could sink the Titanic.

2. Your Mother
Mothers are complicated. Raising children is undoubtedly the toughest job in the universe. They have so much to think about and do. They consider and observe everything even the tiny little detail you miss. You remember those days when you were a kid she asked you who had spilt milk on the carpet and no matter how hard you try to put on an i-don't-know kind of look on your face you always ended up being grounded for a week. Yes mother can smell.... No... Let me correct myself... Mother can sense lies. It's best you never lie to her about your boyfriend. So if your mother frowns at his pierced ear at first sight, don't worry. A good personality is the main focus here. Mothers are objective when it comes to their daughters' lovelife. Tell her all the things you like and dislike about him. Tell her everything! You can easily fool your father but not your mother. So if you do all these, you'll do good.
If men love what they see, then women love what they hear.
So yea no unspeakable words. And yea he can not lie to her either. A mother has the amazing ability to remember and bring up, in the future, all the lies her son-in-law told her. Oh man you don't want your mother-in-law to say it all in your face with your wife and kids around.
If your man sings well, ask him to sing your mother her favourite song. If his singing is worse than that of a whale, which of course you're aware of if you know him well, ask him to keep his mouth shut.
Unlike men, women do pay attention to men's features. c'mon we're getting tired of those 'perfect nose', 'beautiful eyes', 'sexy lips' remarks on us. So if your man's got some 'unusual' features, prepare yourself. One day, maybe when you and your mother are standing in line to pay for your purchases at the register in a department store on your girls shopping day, suddenly without a warning your mother tilts her head to the side to whisper to you ''Darling, his nose slants to the left a bit when he speaks, don't you think? Ever thought of having a little operation there? Well i'm just sayin'...''.
Oh and have I highlighted the greatest NO of all the barbarous things men shouldn't do???!!
Yes, Thou shalt not scratch thy balls before thy woman's mother!
Yea there's such a thing called ''WHAT YOUR MAN MUSN'T DO WITHIN THE VAST RANGE OF YOUR MOTHER'S SUPER EYESIGHT'' list. That's definite!

3. Your friends.
Definitely this point is one of the most difficult. Friends were, are, and will always be out there, wandering round like an army of ants, talking about you behind your back (in a good way good friends do). You can never avoid them. They're everywhere. Once in a while, ask your man to hang out with you and your friends. Observe how he and your friends behave towards one another.
If they welcome him well, then he's ready to embrace the chance of living with you, and occasionally with your friends.
Prepare yourself for the worst. Remember, people have the ability to recall things that are hilarious enough to be worth talking of until hell freezes over. So any unusual gesture he makes with his head or hands that you find cute might have the chance to be the next funniest thing they talk about and laugh at as soon as you leave. Not to mention the reason for midnight conference calls or texts among them that don't include you, for probably about a month.
It's quite accepted and normal if you tell him to be completely himself with you, but partly himself with your friends. He'll understand. You're the one he wants to share his shower with for the rest of his life, not your friends.
But just in case, if he does the magic gesture again when you're having dinner at your and your friends' favourite Chinese restaurant and suddenly your friends' eyes move gracefully to the involved part of his body, instead of looking totally humiliated, you just blurt out loud ''He's cute, isn't he?'' smiling innocently. That would instantly make the ceiling, the floor, and the view outside the window curiously look like they never looked good before.
Yes guilt always works in this case. Next time you ask him to dine with you and your friends again, things will change. Especially the appropriate things to stare at. Guaranteed.
And what if it's the opposite way around? It's your friends that make worth-laughing gestures and he can't help it but stare at their involved body parts for the rest of the night?
Easy!
Tell him in advance all the good things that your friends have done to you.
''Jimmy sometimes curls his lips like a chimp funny to see i know but he's a good man. He once saved me from a bastard who was trying to abuse me''.
That would make him think twice before he laughs.
And oh yea, don't lie to your friends about anything about him. As soon as they find out the truth, It's either the midnight conference calls and texts will last even longer or they confront you about it.
Keep in mind that your new boyfriend is the most famous movie star to your friends for about one month until they've completely figured him out.
And oh yea, it's best you still remain yourself with your friends. They don't like it when you go ''Oh Jimmy doesn't like this. Oh Jimmy doesn't want me to do that. Oh Jimmy thinks it's not a good idea.''.
He's your boyfriend for God's sake. Don't make it sound like he's your father.
And then comes the complicated problem when you arrive at the restaurant where your friends are waiting and then one of them recognizes him as the one she used to go out with. Get a grip on yourself. She isn't doing the 'i never get jealous of my friends taking my used toys' look. She's your friend. It's possible she's as nervous as you are. If they haven't talked again since the break-up, act like a bridge to span the distance between them. If they behave cool towards one another.... Sigh... Again... Get a bloody grip on yourself!!! It's not like they're getting back together.

4. Yourself
Yes! You read that right. It's yourself that occupies most of the distance between yourself and the success of your lovelife. Meaning you must know what to and not to do completely. Being crazy in love people have a lot of tendencies to ignore their better judgments, logic, perspective, and etc and etc. C'mon... Love is strong yeah but love doesn't defy gravity, does it? Does love pay for your new honeymoon flat? Does love pay your bills? Ok in real life, let's say it LOVE CAN NOT MOVE MOUNTAIN!! Yea take that Celine Dion! Again... LOVE CAN NOT MOVE MOUNTAIN!! Again... LOVE CAN NOT MOVE MOUNTAIN!! Again... No. Stop now.
The 'love can move mountain' thing only happens in songs, poetries and poems with a goal to earn more money as people want to believe love is so strong it makes things easier and possible. But the truth is love is strong within its own limit of fragility. Let's examine the 'Rose Dewitt Bukater-Caledon Hockley' relationship from the blockbuster Titanic. Rose doesn't love him. We can't tell for sure whether Cal loves her or his image of her on the other hand. If he does, he will die for her, won't he?

Some friends of mine have asked me to include 'grandmother' on this list. They think grandmothers are the ones you turn to when neither parents nor friends can help you. But c'mon... They've lived too long enough they're pretty preoccupied. We don't want them to be unable to sleep at night thinking about your problems. But yea they usually seem pretty more supportive than parents do. They'd go ''You're young. Don't waste your time doing the things you're going to be regretting for the rest of your life.''.

And some even asked me to include pets as well. My answer is simply NO NO NO. They're cute yeah but they neither talk nor think. The complication of love is too complicated for them to understand. But well if they're well-trained, you could send your dog to your boyfriend's flat, bite his arse, if you ever catch him snog another girl.

Geeky Quotes Vol - III

And the geekiness continues:-

• If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.
• Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
• I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly.
• A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
• People say that if you play Microsoft CD’s backwards, you hear satanic things, but that’s nothing, because if you play them forwards, they install Windows.
• My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
•  The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed LINUX.
• C://dos
  C://dos.run
  run.dos.run
• In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
• The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! (Lolol)
  
• Passwords are like underwear. You shouldn’t leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you shouldn’t loan them out to strangers.
• Failure is not an option — it comes bundled with Windows.
• Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
• Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
• Alcohol & calculus don’t mix. Never drink & derive.
• To err is human… to really foul up requires the root password.
• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue
• If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. — Weinberg’s Second Law!

Beyond Apocalypse!

So we are finally into 2012!!! Glad I could make it this far. But would I, or in a general sense, the earth will be able to get on into 2013 AD????
Well, 2012 is particularly notorious for a certain apocalypse rumor, all dating back to ancient Mayans. Apprently, they didn't thik the earth would be able to carry on beyond December this year, and thus didn't bothered to made any calenders beyond that.
Personally, I don't think that the world would end just because the Mayans were too lazy or not to smart enough to make calendars beyond 2012. The status of Harry Potter page on January 1st made more sense to me. It read - "2012: The first year when we neither have a Harry Potter book nor a movie to look forward to. Maybe that's why the world is ending this year."

So just in case there indeed an apocalypse, and by sheer luck you survive it, then I think you should be start prep-ing now so as to manage in the post apocalyptic world. Here are a few practical tips, hopefully they will come in handy:-

• Wear Clean Underwears - You will never know when is the next time you will get to change.
• Get handy with basic tools.
• Learn how to do your pooping work outdoors. Toilets might be a luxury in post apocalyptic scenario.
• Learn to find the directions by the help of stars.
• Train your palette to the tastes of "Earthly" food.
• Get some nice, tough, durable shoes.
• Learn Morse Code.
• Follow the mice and the cockroaches (esp the 'roaches, they ahve survived everything till date).
• And most importantly, FATTEN UP.

Geeky Quotes. Vol - II

Here is another bunch of geek quotes, a follow up from previous post. My favorite quotes here are those in green.

• A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
• A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
• To go forward, you must backup.
• I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
• My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
• Better to be a geek than an idiot.
• Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something.
• Be nice to geeks when you're in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up.
• Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail.
• Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.
• The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back.
• The box said 'Required Windows 95 or better'. So, I installed LINUX.
• Mac users swear by their Mac,
  PC users swear at their PC.
• Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies.
• Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error.
• If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime."
• I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway.
• The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot."
• Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.

Geeky Quotes. Vol - I

These are a list of Geeky quotes which I collected over internet. Quite funny, and in some cases, quite enlightening.....

• The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.
• Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.
• unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep"  - my daily unix command list
• "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth
• If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise.
• The more I C, the less I see.
• To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password.
• After Perl everything else is just assembly language.
• If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough.
• Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code.
• Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are. (clearly, it doesn't think me as one)
• COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods. (I am so enlightened!!!)
• Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz
• Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips.
• Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer."   - Erik Naggum
• SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it. 
• People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'. (Lol)
• I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly.

There are too many such quotes to put up in a single entry. So keep a look out for Vol - II.

Mouse Hunt - A Midnight (mis)Adventure

First thing first, this whole incident happened on the midnight of 5th and 6th September, three days ago, but I am only getting time to blog abut it now.

So, this is what actually happened. A very tiny mouse, say about 10 cm long at most (excluding its tail, of course), somehow managed to get into my room and found refuge in my printer. Though it was all very good for mouse, to me it was pure trouble. Seriously, mouse in my printer!!!!! Have to get him out......

It was a little past midnight when I first saw it poking my tail outside my printer. Well, I spent the next hour trying to get it out by all physical means (banging, shaking the printer upside down, kicking, throwing it on the wall etc etc......), but 'twas all in vain. That mouse had found a real nice cozy corner for itself, and didn't look in a mood to leave it anytime soon. However, I recalled that sometime around 2002 or 2003, the Russians were faced with a similar situation when some terrorists had seiged a theater and weren't very intent on coming out. That time, the Russian troops had pumped some sort of toxic gas in the theater to neutralize the threat. Now, I didn't had any toxic gas around to pump in my printer, but I sure had some cockroach-kill spray around. So I tried filling up the insides of printer with that spray, but again the mouse proved too strong for that. Apparently, that spray only worked on cockroaches. Clearly, I needed to increase the "toxicity" of the gas-thing; now I decided to use my brother's new deodorant for this purpose, which, in my opinion, smells like cat's piss. So bang, as soon as I filled the insides of the printer with this thing, the mouse jumped out (directly on me, but that's not important), clearly unable to breathe in there now.

What followed next was a long chase of the mouse by me all over my room, but in the end, the mouse just disappeared! And guess where it was hiding, inside one of my bed-sheet, right on my bed, no wonder I didn't manage to find it in night. Well, I was too tired to chase it again in morning after a 3 hour sleep, so I let it go at that time.......hoping that he will vacate my room on its own in day.

The printer and the mouse. Note that I have sello-taped the scanner part of the printer to prevent it from coming out when I was shaking it upside down.

Now, there was a s live facebook status update to all this, basically an exchange between me and Sarah. I am copy-pasting the status thing here because its too hilarious, but the photo comments are too long to post., better see them directly on Facebook .

A very small mouse has somehow got inside my printer, and I have been trying to get it out for more than one hour now, have tried so many tricks but its not coming out....
"Please come out, please. I need to sleep"

 ·  · Tuesday at 1:13am via mobile

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  Abhishek Baraik and Priyanka Sahana like this.
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    Sarah Camille Cherry Oh wow, try peanut butter! They love that.
    

    Tuesday at 1:20am · 
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    Himanshu Shekhar Its 1:30 am here. I have no idea where butter is in the kitchen (must be in fridge though) but the mouse is like too sacred to think about eating now. Tell me something brutal and direct.
    

    Tuesday at 1:26am · 
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    Sarah Camille Cherry Um, take the cover off the printer & shake him out?
    

    Tuesday at 1:30am · 
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    Himanshu Shekhar Enough. I am going the Russian way. Fill up the infected area with poisonous gas. Now since I don't have that in hand, I am gonna use this cockroach kill spray to neutralize the threat.
    

    Tuesday at 1:33am · 
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    Sarah Camille Cherry Yikes! Cover your own face, that's going to stink!
    

    Tuesday at 1:34am · 
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    Himanshu Shekhar I almost took my printer apart to take it out. But he got himself hidden in an almost sealed off sort of part of printer. Only way to get it out of there is to break it, or to go the Russian's way.
    

    Tuesday at 1:35am · 
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    Sarah Camille Cherry Silly mouse.
    

    Tuesday at 1:36am · 
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    Himanshu Shekhar I posted a pic of it, on my wall. And blimey, Russian methods do work. Last time they had pumped this gas to evict terrorists from a theatre hostage situation, remember.
    

    Tuesday at 1:46am · 
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    Himanshu Shekhar If only I can get a clear shot on its face! This spray can kill humans when inhaled, and you are a mouse.
    

    Tuesday at 1:51am · 
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    Himanshu Shekhar A little change in plan. I better use my brother's deodorant instead of cockroach-kill spray. I can fill that small area of printer totally with this. And trust me, this thing smells like cat's piss. Poor mouse have got no chance. A real nerve gas attack for him.
    

    Tuesday at 1:58am · 
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    Himanshu Shekhar Eeeep! it jumped out on me!
    

    Tuesday at 2:03am ·  ·  1 person
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    Sarah Camille Cherry Laughing out loud!! Sorry, I have to!
    

    Tuesday at 2:07am ·  ·  1 person
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    Himanshu Shekhar Ok, I shouldn't have shouted out like a four year old girl. But that jumping thing was unexpected.
    

    Tuesday at 2:15am ·  ·  1 person
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    Sarah Camille Cherry What would you do if you were in the mouse's predicament? Jumping on the human was actually pretty brave! Haha :)
    

    Tuesday at 2:19am ·  ·  1 person
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    Himanshu Shekhar Maybe he wasn't looking where he was jumping off too. So he practically assaulted me, now I have got a legal right to attack it lol;)
    

    Tuesday at 2:28am · 
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    Sarah Camille Cherry Hilarious ;p
    

    Tuesday at 2:34am · 
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    Himanshu Shekhar Dear mouse, you are guilty of trespassing, home invasion, deliberate assault and evading arrest. Surrender now, or face the consequences.
    

    Tuesday at 2:37am ·  ·  1 person
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    Sarah Camille Cherry Never have I heard a list of charges like that for a mouse! What a dangerous rascal. I think I like him, lol :)
    

    Tuesday at 2:47am ·